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Saturday, September 29, 2007
The only relationship advice you'll ever need
Men Like Bars, Women Don't Have a Penis, by Iron Balz
Upon first learning the concept behind Men Like Bars, Women
Don't Have a Penis, I was immediately curious to see exactly
what kind of information "Iron Balz" would relay to their readers.
I too feel that self-help books (such as Men are from Mars,
Women are from Venus, The Rules, and He's Just Not that Into
You, all of which are spoofed by the writers) make money by
telling the lonely masses obvious shit about relationships. And
yet, people still read this garbage! Do you really need a book to
tell you when a man isn't interested in you???
Iron Balz seem to feel the same way, hence Men Like Bars,
Women Don't Have a Penis. In fact, I was hooked upon reading
the opening of this short, humorous take on relationship advice,
as Iron Balz (the pen name of Matt and John, two brothers)
immediately proclaim:
"If I was going to write a book for women about how to know when a guy is
not into them, it would be one page, with one sentence that reads:
He does not try to fuck you."
Hear, hear. From that gleaming insight grew Men Like Bars,
Women Don't Have a Penis. I expected it to be full of more of
the same self-evident truths like the above, but I was surprised
to actually find some helpful information within its pages. For
example, I soon learned the difference between "strange versus
romance," and while I probably won't implement any of their
advice (much to my husband's chagrin, I'm sure, but I won't let
him read Men Like Bars for this very reason), I had a great time
reading it.
One of my favorite gems is this diet advice:
"Here is the only piece of dieting advice you need: 1) Wake up earlier than
usually [sic] and exercise for 20 minutes. 2) Do push-ups, sit-ups, run,
power walk, anything other than shoveling bacon in your face. 3) Do not
eat anything containing a lot of fats and sugars, and eat slightly less than
you do currently.
If you cannot do this then you are not disciplined enough to lose weight,
and need to accept the fact that you are always going to be fat. There is no
need to waste money on bullshit dieting products. It is nothing to be
ashamed of. There are many drunken rugby players that will be willing to
have sex with you."
Politically correct? Absolutely not, but quite hilarious
nonetheless.
As the authors state at the beginning, this self-published book
did not go through a legitimate editing process, so some
grammatical and spelling errors have slipped through the
cracks. It is a shame that this is so, since it is this aspect of the
book that prevents it from being a greater success. If Iron Balz
were to clean up some of the mechanics of Men Like Bars,
Women Don't Have a Penis, they'd have a sure-fire hit on their
hands. (Hence the rating below; I'd have rated it more highly
were it not for the grammatical and spelling errors, which
wounded the cold little heart of this poor, beleaguered English
teacher.)
In a nutshell: You may not need their advice, but you'll definitely
get a laugh out of Men Like Bars. Be warned, though, that this
book is not politically correct: it's raunchy, it's (at times) sexist --
and it's pretty damned funny.
7/11/06: Review by Fantasy Bully:
www.fantasybully.com
Let’s not forget that boys invented fine literature. Homer sang
some good tunes about warriors and sex before the pencil was
invented, and Goosebumps was also written by a man.
I went with Uncle Tony to Borders a few days back, and he
purchased a dirty joke book for his bathroom. It was funny at
parts, but those joke books always make me feel gross. They
all sound like they’re written by nerds with a lot of pent-up
sexual anger. I like gross humor, but not jokes about butt
fucking nuns or grandmas giving head.
All those books you see that have “Man” in the title or “Big
Damn Book Of…” are hardly ever funny, and you can tell they’
re being written by guys that go to a lot of festivals and acoustic
guitar concerts in the forest. In other words, they’re just dweebs
that work for publishing companies and get a few bucks to write
a bathroom book, because they seem like the most manly guys
in the office. But men that spend a lot of time on camping
adventures are tricky. They can be grizzly studs, but more often
than not, they’re the most pussy minded men you will ever
encounter.
That’s why I’m recommending this book. You can’t get this one
at any store (not at the present moment), and it doesn’t sound
like any book you’ve ever read before. It has dirty humor that’s
written by someone with no academic training, but not the kind
that makes you feel shitty or causes pooping visitors to lose
respect for you. It’s written in a unique way, and the
professional binding and cover make it seem legitimate.
The book’s only 120 pages, but it’s packed with material
because he has little concern for literary style or fluff, so it’s an
easy read. I know the author, “Iron Balz,” personally. He did go
to college, but in the acknowledgments section he admits that
he writes at a 4th grade level. I wouldn’t go that far, because
the spelling and grammar are correct, but he’s no higher than
the 7th grade level due to his unfamiliarity with contractions,
such as “I am“ shortened to “I’m.”
Despite it’s literary shortcomings, it’s a great book because it
wasn’t written by some dork who never gets laid or everyone
laughed at. The title is sort of nerdy, but he just wanted to make
fun of all those self-help books for women, and it’s a reference
to Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus. If you were to
meet “Iron Balz,” you would never suspect that he has ever
read a newspaper, let alone published a book. He plays rugby
in northern California, and he’s known all over the state as a
good player, a chemically dependent alcoholic, and a very
good story teller.
The book is funny on two levels. First, he has observations
about men and women that we’ve all heard before, but told in a
much more creative, and non-wussy way than I’ve ever seen.
He also has a good way of delivering things that makes even
obvious punchlines funny. I was taking a shit when I read the
section on pussy tax brackets & diminishing pussy returns, and
even though I knew what was coming, I laughed so hard that
extra presents shot out of me after I thought I was done.
The second level of humor comes from the author’s simple
minded thinking. I’m pretty sure that much of the book was
inspired by drinking conversations he’s had over the years,
because each section of the book sounds like a recount of the
one genius theory or observation that a particular drinking
buddy may have made at some point. I guess you could call this
book a collection of genius theories born from the minds of
otherwise profoundly retarded drunks.
I say that he must have heard a lot of the book’s material from
other people’s mouths because of two specific instances:
1.) In a table he uses in the first chapter of the book to describe
the obvious differences between the sexes, he compares a
female activity to it’s male equivalent. Most of them are pretty
stock answers. For example…
(Women) Shopping–(Guys) Fixing Things
(Women) Romantic Movies–(Guys) Sports
But when we move to the next , Iron Balz’ 7th grade intellect
shows itself…
(Women) Talking on the phone–(Guys) Kicking ass.
Ha ha ha ha! Kicking ass? He uses “kicking ass” as a general
activity! It’s funny if he’s serious, and it’s funny if he’s not. Once
you read the book, you’ll realize that he’s very serious, and
considers “kicking ass” to be an activity.
He also makes comments that you’d only expect to hear at a
Ninja Turtles Fan Club meeting, such as, “I would rather get
kicked in the nuts than watch another sunset!” Personally, I like
a man that finds anger in a sunset.
2.) The second example I’ll give that this book must have been
collected over the years comes in the Slut Barrier and Slut
Window section. The author had 2 DUIs before his 18th
birthday, and consequently didn’t have a car until he was 26.
So for no reason, Iron Balz compares the female desire to get
married, to a 16 year-old’s desire to get a drivers license. He
does this in an attempt to prove that women just want to get
married because all their friends are doing it, which is a true
statement. But his analogy doesn’t work very well, because
having a car is a necessity in nearly every person’s life. The
only reason he uses that example is because he hated people
who could legally drive in their early twenties.
I would have enjoyed it more, if I didn’t know the author, but it’s
still a good book. People will want to know where you got it.
Future Man gave a copy to his dad on Father’s Day, and Old
Man loved it.
4/7/06: Review by Book of the Moment, Maine:
www.myspace.com/book_of_the_moment
LOL.
That's the best way to describe this book; its laugh out loud
funny. When this book arrived in the mail, there was a letter
along with it. The letter itself made me chuckle, and the book
never stopped making me do so.
Among other things, the letter stated that this book would most
likely offend me as a woman and as a human being. Luckily,
I'm not easily offended. If you can look beyond the
generalizations of women and see this for what it is; downright
funny, it is a book you will enjoy.
The book is dubbed as an advice book which spoofs a
selection of relationship self-help books. I don't know if I would
actually heed any advice given in the book, but I certainly would
pass the book along to a friend for a laugh. It's not the most
well written book, its self edited and does contain some
grammar and editing issues, but the honest and raw language
is funny..and the advice is as well.
When the book came my boyfriend took a look through the
table of contents and asked if he could read it when I was
finished. The chapters include titles like "Women are Illogical,"
"Farts Bring Joy," "Go Ahead and Look at my Penis," "Dancing
is for Dickheads," and my personal favorite: "I'd rather be
kicked in the Nuts than..."
I read the book in one sitting, its a quick and easy read, but I
giggled the entire way through. Two thumbs up.
The book was written by "Iron Balz," a pen name for two
brothers, John and Matt. Here's a link to their myspace page:
www.myspace.com/ironbalz
While you may or may not gain any dating or relationship
advice from reading this book, you will laugh. Unless you're
easily offended by crude thoughts, in which case you should
stay far away from this book..
Review by E. Rodriguez a.k.a ERRsta (www.ERRsta.com),
Austin, TX:
Oprah has her book club, I now have mine.
I have been inspired to proclaim the glory of this book and
encourage that everyone buy a copy.
In the history of American Literature, there are two giants that
stand out as gods amongst mortals: Ernest Hemingway and Iron
Balz. Iron Balz has shaken the literary landscape with a book
that is pragmatic yet genius. Men Like Bars... is an innovative
work that is both eye opener and no shitter. Balz does not
bother with the pussified methods of introspection and self
blame that have been force fed to Men for so many years. Balz
takes a stand and metaphorically proclaims "Yo, these hoes is
out their rabid ass minds and need to get checked."
If you are a man with any semblence of self respect, you will
buy 2 copies: One for yourself and one to pass as a heirloom to
future generations. Please note that all proceeds from this book
will go to Iron Balz. If you appease him, he may write another
book.
Ignoring this book is an exercise in neglect that is comparable
only to locking up the A-team in a room full of power tools. You
can heed my advice, or you can have BA Baracus destroy your
existence with a tank made from an old lawnmower, a mitre saw,
and PVC piping.
The choice is yours.
Sincerely,
E. Rodriguez
www.ERRsta.com
I will get it from you:
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THE PUBLISHER
www.farteaters.com
read excerpt of chapter 6 - Farts
Bring Joy