Men Like Bars, Women Don't Have a Penis, Preface

While the font and formatting are a little different, this is the Preface as it appears in
the book.

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Preface

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I came up with the title Men Like Bars, Women Don’t Have A
Penis before actually writing the book. The original plan was to
read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and write a
spoof. I found a friend who had the book on tape and I tried to
listen to it, but I could not get past the first few minutes. From
the few minutes I listened to, I could tell that the writer is a
moron, and all he does is tell you what you already know. I can
sum it up in two points:

Women are emotional and want sympathy for their
emotions
Men like to find solutions to problems and do not
sympathize with women’s emotions.

I quickly concluded that the book was stupid, and not worth a
spoof. However, I liked the title Men Like Bars, Women Don’t
Have a Penis because it is catchy and factual (ironically the title
may contain more facts than the entire book), so I decided to
keep it. At that point I decided to write an advice book where I
spoofed a bunch of relationship books. I spoke to some chicks,
and they suggested I read The Rules and He Is Just Not That
Into You.

I got my hands on The Rules, which is a scary book.
Essentially it is a “how to” book for women that want to find a
man and marry him. The fact that this book was a bestseller
says a lot about women. It bothered me so much that I wrote a
chapter on it. That book, more than anything, inspired this
book.

I concluded that I was just as capable of giving advice as the
morons that wrote these books. I never bothered reading He Is
Just Not That Into You. If I was going to write a book for women
about how to know when a guy is not into them, it would be one
page, with one sentence that reads:

      He does not try to fuck you.

I started writing advice chapters, but slowly found myself writing
a lot of observational chapters. I found that I am a very astute
observer, and that I am rarely wrong.   I also realized that I am a
meathead, and my opinions might not be shared by the rest of
the world; just like Galileo’s opinions about the universe were
not shared by everyone (yes, I just compared myself to
Galileo). Most of my friends are meatheads and this book was
written with the intention of making them laugh; they are to me
what scientists were to Galileo (Yes! I did it again!).

I wrote this book as Iron Balz (pen name), but Iron Balz is
actually two brothers: Matt and John K. However, it was written
in the first person. To make things more confusing, sometimes
I write about my brother. If Matt wrote that section then he was
referring to John. If John originated that sentence then he was
referring to Matt. Therefore, when I wrote about my brother I
was actually talking about me, Iron Balz, because Iron Balz is
two people. Furthermore, when I write about college, I may be
referring to UC Santa Barbara where Matt went or Cal Poly San
Luis Obispo where John went.

All the personal stories in this book actually happened.

Lastly, I paid on online publisher $500 to publish this book.
Therefore, this did not go through the legitimate
editing/publishing process. Most of this book was written
unconventionally. I ended sentences with prepositions, and
started sentences with ‘however’, ‘so’, and ‘therefore’. I also
used the word “fuck” too much. All of which I am told is
improper writing. I did this because I do not give a shit, and
nothing emphasizes like the word “fuck” (I said nothing
Poindexter!).

This book should not be taken too seriously. It is merely a work
of genius by two half-drunk monkeys, but if you choose to
ignore it, it is your loss. If anything in this book offends you,
you are a fucking pussy and should not have bought it in the
first place. Tough shit, no refunds.

                      Sincerely,

                      Iron Balz

I know you fucker,
I will get it from you:

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