The male and female species are different on so many levels, it’s
a wonder the two can co-exist at all. Men are practical, low
maintenance and consider themselves to be experts on almost
any topic. Of course some men are sensitive, take pride in their
appearance and are dumb enough to spend $200 on the latest
designer jeans. This type of male is known as a butt rammer, and
if you want to know more about this species put this book down,
move to the Castro and change your name to Coco the homo.
A perfect day in the world of Mr. Man would involve a 12-pack of
relaxing beer, a remote control, never-ending porn, record-
breaking farts, a solid hummer and a wife that is unaware of the
concept of nagging – she’s never done it, nor does she even
know there is such a thing. Pure beauty!
To sum up the female species in a few sentences might be the
most difficult task on earth. The only thing more difficult than this
is to make a woman 100% happy. This has only been
accomplished by one person in the history of human existence –
Santa Claus. And since we’re all old enough to know there’s no
such thing as Santa Claus (unless you’re a complete douche
bag), then we all know that the “100% happy woman” is ramming
jolly old Saint Nick on top of a glacier in the North Pole.
A perfect day in the world of Mrs. Woman would start off with
breakfast in bed prepared by her loving husband who has just
insisted that she quit her job so she has more free time to enjoy
the finer things in life. After watching the View, she’d decide to
freshen up before heading to her weekly mani/pedi appointment,
meet her best girlfriends for lunch to catch up on the day’s latest
gossip, head to the shoe sale at Nordstrom and then it’s off the
gym to meet with her gorgeous male trainer. By the time she
returns home her husband is back from work. Since he is blessed
with psychic mind-reading powers he has prepared the romantic
candlelight dinner she was dreaming about all day long. What a
complete crock of shit.
Are you starting to get the idea? Men are simple creatures that
want nothing more in life but to watch their favorite team win the
Super Bowl while having sex with a porn star. Women live in the
land of fairy tales where money grows on trees, farts smell like
roses and men worship the ground they walk on. Another
steaming pile of turd.
Now that you have a basic understanding of men v. women, you
are ready to read this book which was written by my brother, Iron
Balz. His analogies of the male and female species are pure
genius. However, I must warn you that this book contains the
bitter truth that most sober authors would not dare speak, let
alone put down in print. Thankfully, my brother is not sober, nor
an author, so the truth is finally out.
I will get it from you:
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THE PUBLISHER
www.farteaters.com
read excerpt of chapter 6 - Farts
Bring Joy